Now, all parents of twins know that there's a high probability that they'll be born prematurely, and probably end up in neonatal unit. OK, so that's the rational part. Then u get there and u realise (naievely) that u may not be prepared for what is actually happening.
We were able to see our boys a couple of hours after birth, around 21h00 only as the team needed some time to stabilise the boys - it's not like one needs just to fill in admission forms, for example.
We discovered quickly that both needed respiratory support - not altogether surprising as lung development is usually what is going on in Hotel Mama at about this time. The latest ultrasound had weight estimations of 2,5kg each which we all took to mean that there was no need to stick me with steroids to speed up lung development in case of impending prem birth. Yet as we saw only one of the boys came anywhere near that weight estimation......Terrifyingly, the youngest of the twins (and the heaviest) had no real lungs to speak of so it meant that little guy was struggling like hell even on oxygen and full respiratory support. Nr 1 (the lightest at 2,1kg) looked like he was going to pull through.
Watching a child struggle to survive is one of the most painful, heart-wrenching things that I can ever imagine to see. It was even harder knowing that u couldn't just change the channel on the TV, or turn a blind eye to this reality; it's YOUR reality. I don't care who knows it but this was one time I was damn glad to have my Mama with me. I am not sure that I would have held it together without her.
Chris and Mum left around midnight and I stayed with my boys til about 3am before exhaustion took over and I was wheeled back to my hospital bed. It felt absolutely rotten returning back to my empty room. I remember asking the nurse to remove the baby cribs that had been prepared to receive my boys from the room, and crying myself to sleep.
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